alus euy… :-D
speechless… alus pisan euy… 
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Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain – and most fools do.
I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
A physicist is an atom’s way of knowing about atoms.
Why did God create dentists? — In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax — tomorrow you’ll be afraid to cough.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
A physicist is an atom’s way of knowing about atoms.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.
An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.
In the begining there was nothing and God said ‘Let there be light’, and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
Love is the answer – but while you’re waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called ‘Ego’.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
Raymond’s Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.
The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
Copy from one, it’s plagiarism; copy from two, it’s research.
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn’t your biggest problem.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don’t work, those that break down and those that get lost.
After every ‘victory’ you have more enemies.
I’m living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
A man can’t get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
Don’t let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT’S relativity.
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
I think ‘Hail to the Chief’ has a nice ring to it.
I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can’t understand is, if they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official…
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there’s no risk of accident for someone who’s dead.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax — tomorrow you’ll be afraid to cough.
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn’t cure.
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you’re pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
Minsky’s Second Law: Don’t just do something. Stand there.
If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?
There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
A man can’t get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You’d be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.
Barabási’s Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do ? whether it is correct or not.
Barabási’s Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do ? whether it is correct or not.
The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.
Fill what’s empty, empty what’s full, and scratch where it itches.
Why don’t you write books people can read?
The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?
All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.
Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.
Raymond’s Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn’t understand me.
Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure — that is all that agnosticism means.
Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.
A hen is only an egg?s way of making another egg.
A hen is only an egg?s way of making another egg.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
I hope life isn’t a big joke … because I don’t get it.
In America, anybody can be president. That’s one of the risks you take.
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?
Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn’t mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
Sex is like air. It’s only a big deal if you can’t get any.
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.
I criticize by creation – not by finding fault.
A good sermon should be like a woman’s skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
If there?s one thing I know it?s God does love a good joke.
If there?s one thing I know it?s God does love a good joke.
If there?s one thing I know it?s God does love a good joke.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it’s the exact opposite.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they’re going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.
As the post said, ‘Only God can make a tree,’ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
I’m all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let’s start with typewriters.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
If you’re sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
I’m fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn’t cure.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
I was playing poker the other night… with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax — tomorrow you’ll be afraid to cough.
Maybe this world is another planet’s Hell.
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.
Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.
You got to be careful if you don’t know where you’re going, because you might not get there.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
You’ll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go ‘aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
Sex is like air. It’s only a big deal if you can’t get any.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they’re eating sandwiches.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
Don’t knock masturbation, it’s sex with someone I love .
Finagle’s Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will — at the worst possible moment.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
I don’t pray because I don’t want to bore God.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.
In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
A camel is a horse designed by a committee
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
Men have become the tools of their tools.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I’ve only ever had one.
If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.
Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.
Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.
It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.
The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.
I criticize by creation – not by finding fault.
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn’t understand me.
I don’t approve of political jokes… I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.
The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.
Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
When I die I’m going to leave my body to science fiction.
Computer dating is fine, if you’re a computer.
Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, ‘Why god? Why me?’ and the thundering voice of God answered, ‘There’s just something about you that pisses me off.’
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
I don’t pray because I don’t want to bore God.
Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes
If it wasn’t for C, we’d be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.
Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.
If it wasn’t for muscle spasms, I wouldn’t get any exercise at all.
Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.
If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
I was playing poker the other night… with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
The cynics are right nine times out of ten.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
There is only one nature – the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he’ll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
I’m not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It’s just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
‘Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible’, she said, ‘but that alone doesn’t make it true.’
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one’s doubts.
There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
… one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don’t have it.
Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie!’… ’til you can find a rock.
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said ‘no’.
Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
Oh for pity’s sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?
The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.
Hearing nuns’ confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
Maybe this world is another planet’s Hell.
We didn’t lose the game; we just ran out of time.
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.
Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain
The truth is more important than the facts.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.
The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn’t speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me – and by that time no one was left to speak up.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called ‘Ego’.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn’t over until everyone gets their cookies.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official…
I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Smith & Wesson ? the original point and click interface.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.
Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.
The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
… one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn’t get bigger or heavier.
Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven’t said enough.
In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.
The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.
The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there’s no law against whacking them around a bit.
After every ‘victory’ you have more enemies.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a ‘C’, the idea must be feasible.
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can’t remember what they are.
The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.
It was the experience of mystery — even if mixed with fear — that engendered religion.
The internet is not something you just dump something on. It’s not a truck. It’s a series of tubes!
Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn’t.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
Heav’n hath no rage like love to hatred turn’d, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn’d.
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don’t need.
Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn’t understand me.
When I die I’m going to leave my body to science fiction.
The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy — the mother.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, ‘Don’t you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?’ I said ‘I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too’.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
They laughed when I said I’d be a comedian. They aren’t laughing now.
I criticize by creation – not by finding fault.
The truth is more important than the facts.
There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can’t get zillions of people to misunderstand it.
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away.
Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.
A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.
You’re about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
Don’t drive me crazy — it’s within walking distance.
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.
We are not retreating – we are advancing in another Direction.
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
I’m all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let’s start with typewriters.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, ‘Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don’t believe?
Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it — and some of your spouse’s family too.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
I don’t know anything about music. In my line you don’t have to.
Never test for an error condition you don’t know how to handle.
You can pretend to be serious; you can’t pretend to be witty.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.
I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.
Attention to health is life’s greatest hindrance.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
The best way to predict the future is to invent it.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don’t know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that’s my position.
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is ‘to be prepared’.
Sterling’s Corollary to Clarke’s Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!
To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
Hofstadter’s Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter’s Law.
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
I’d stop eating chocolate, but I’m no quitter.
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
You got to be careful if you don’t know where you’re going, because you might not get there.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
The right to swing my fist ends where the other man’s nose begins.
There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
‘Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible’, she said, ‘but that alone doesn’t make it true.’
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a ‘C’, the idea must be feasible.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
Lohr’s Law: The future is merely the past with a twist ? and better tools.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
I’m not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.
Am I lightheaded because I’m not dead or because I’m still alive?
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I’ll never know.
It’s dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that’s successful enough to require a large and complex set of software
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.
There’s many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
Once you’ve written TBicycle, you never forget how.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
If a man does his best, what else is there?
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I hope life isn’t a big joke … because I don’t get it.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.
I have an existential map; it has ‘you are here’ written all over it.
Love is the answer – but while you’re waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question
Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
Don’t sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn’t over until everyone gets their cookies.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.
Physics is not a religion. If it were, we’d have a much easier time raising money.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
It was the experience of mystery — even if mixed with fear — that engendered religion.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don’t work, those that break down and those that get lost.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where she is!
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.
Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
I’d stop eating chocolate, but I’m no quitter.
The best way to predict the future is to invent it.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said ‘I want a skip outside my house.’ He said ‘I’m not stopping you.’
The truth is more important than the facts.
A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it’s good it’s wonderful, and when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called ‘Ego’.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.
Oh for pity’s sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.
If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that’s ok because you’ll be a mile away from him and you’ll have his shoes.
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It’s about Russia.
It’s impossible to experience one’s death objectively and still carry a tune.
Don’t drive me crazy — it’s within walking distance.
The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
Never test for an error condition you don’t know how to handle.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure — that is all that agnosticism means.
The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
You’ll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
If you’re sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can’t remember what they are.
You’re about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
A hen is only an egg?s way of making another egg.
Gigerenzer’s Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
I have four children which is not bad considering I’m not a Catholic.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
If quantum physics doesn’t confuse you then you don’t understand it.
No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
The truth is more important than the facts.
Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn’t understand me.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.
Write a wise word and your name will live forever.
Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
I hope life isn’t a big joke … because I don’t get it.
What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.
The dangerous patriot … is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
We don’t make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.
I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Once you’ve written TBicycle, you never forget how.
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he’d lie just to keep his hand in.
Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
It’s clearly a budget. It’s got a lot of numbers in it.
Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes
Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, ‘Why god? Why me?’ and the thundering voice of God answered, ‘There’s just something about you that pisses me off.’
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
A hen is only an egg?s way of making another egg.
A hen is only an egg?s way of making another egg.
A hen is only an egg?s way of making another egg.
The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.
There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can’t get zillions of people to misunderstand it.
It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood… War is hell.
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
Love is the answer – but while you’re waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?
I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
I have four children which is not bad considering I’m not a Catholic.
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney…
A hen is only an egg?s way of making another egg.
A hen is only an egg?s way of making another egg.
A hen is only an egg?s way of making another egg.
A hen is only an egg?s way of making another egg.
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
They couldn’t hit an elephant at this dist–
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, ‘Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don’t believe?
Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
Barabási’s Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do ? whether it is correct or not.
Barabási’s Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do ? whether it is correct or not.
You’ll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
Am I lightheaded because I’m not dead or because I’m still alive?
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.
The dangerous patriot … is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
The chain reaction of evil — wars producing more wars — must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.
Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it’s fantastic.
Heav’n hath no rage like love to hatred turn’d, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn’d.
It’s dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that’s successful enough to require a large and complex set of software
Support your local Search and Rescue unit — get lost.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.
Physics is not a religion. If it were, we’d have a much easier time raising money.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go ‘aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.
A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load…)
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I’m going to miss mine by just a few days.
If quantum physics doesn’t confuse you then you don’t understand it.
Honolulu, it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife’s mother.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I’ll never know.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Everywhere I go I’m asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don’t stifle enough of them.
C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.
If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.
It’s wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
I don’t approve of political jokes… I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.
And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie!’… ’til you can find a rock.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn’t over until everyone gets their cookies.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
They laughed when I said I’d be a comedian. They aren’t laughing now.
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn’t take it out of my garden.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don’t need to be done.
DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.
To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that’s ok because you’ll be a mile away from him and you’ll have his shoes.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
I’m not a member of any organized political party, I’m a Democrat!
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings
Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.
In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?
I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.
You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.